The OED has “respair”, both as a noun and verb, meaning the return of hope after a period of despair.

The word respair is an old English word, no longer in use, but for me personally it couldn’t be more relevant right now. Over the last few years I’ve battled with my mental health, in 2017 it lead to two suicide attempts. I reached a crisis point and couldn’t see any way out, full of self loathing, I felt lost with no hope and in a foreign country with no friends or family, I’d isolated myself and could see no other alternative than to end my life.

It’s now 2021 and I’m in a very different place. To say it’s been a bumpy ride over the last four years is an understatement. I’ve had many dark days and relapses, but I’ve learnt how to cope, I have people in my life now who understand how to listen, not judge or think they have the answer, just listen. For the first time I can remember I feel confident, content and even positive, not things I’ve felt for a long time.

After my two attempts I knew I couldn’t work through things on my own, I tried that and clearly it didn’t work. I needed help. I never really knew what was wrong with me but I’d known for a long time I wasn’t happy, not that I knew (or know) what happiness was or is. I now think happiness is a fleeting moment, not a constant and I’m cool with that. I spent a year getting help, no-one knew what I’d been through or done, even my closest friends. My life changed and improved, but I still had a cloud over me, I still felt ashamed about what I’d tried to do and didn’t want anyone to think I was weak, I also now know that people wouldn't and didn’t, it’s not weak to be struggling under the pressures life can bring.

Since 2018 I’ve worked as a mental health ambassador for Movember and shared my journey. I’ve also completed various challenges like 8 passes in the Dolomites in a day, on World Sucide Prevention Day and ridden 4382 km in March 2020, the number is the number of men in the UK that took their own lives in 2017.

I recently set out on a Meaningful Miles journey. I decided after a year of Covid and lockdowns to ride and share a coffee or conversation with someone to help reduce the sense of loneliness after what can only be described as a shit year all round. Cycling has enabled me to meet loads of people and share a message of hope. I’ve started ASCND.cc as a platform to help others share their journey, a platform for people to contribute to, a community of cyclists sharing thoughts and ideas to help others.